This past week, I’ve been sick. The kind of sick where even getting out of bed to go to the bathroom feels like a mountain to climb. My family scattered to avoid getting my illness and I was left alone. My two dogs—bless them—were the only ones depending on me, and even that felt like a monumental task. As I lay there, achy and exhausted, one thought kept circling in my mind: What if I were responsible for someone else right now? Not just anyone—but someone living with dementia who needed constant supervision to stay safe.
It was a sobering reminder.
As caregivers, we often make our plans assuming we’ll be healthy. We map out routines, appointments, medications, meals, and safety protocols with the assumption that we’ll be able to execute them. But what happens when we can’t?
The Invisible Weight of Solo Caregiving
This experience made me reflect deeply on the unique challenge faced by primary caregivers—especially those caring for a spouse with dementia. It reminded me of parenting, where the demands are high and the stakes are real. But in many parenting situations, there’s often another adult in the home: a spouse, an older child, a grandparent. Someone who can step in when one parent is down for the count.
In couples navigating dementia, it’s often just the two of them. No backup. No bench. And when the caregiver gets sick, the entire system teeters. This can also be seen when a child is supporting a parent but not living in the same home. Who goes to check-in, provide transportation, drop off meals?
Why Back-up Plans Aren’t Optional
This is why I want to shout from the rooftops: We need support networks. Not just for the person living with dementia, but for the caregiver. And not just in emergencies, but as part of the everyday rhythm of life.
Even paid caregivers get sick. They have car trouble. They have family emergencies. And when they can’t show up, who steps in?
Back-up Can Come From Many Places
Neighbors who check in or drop off meals
Church groups that organize transportation or respite visits
Family members or Friends who rotate through errands or companionship
Community organizations that offer volunteer support
Community organizations that offer paid support
I know people who’ve built these networks before they ever needed them. One family has a group of friends who rotate through picking up prescriptions. Another has a standing schedule of visitors who come by just to chat or help with small tasks. It’s not about desperation. It is in anticipation – about creating a rhythm of shared care – before it’s critically needed.
I recognize that finding local assistance can be daunting which is why I am slowly growing my own awareness of options that are out there to support you. Please keep checking back to my resources page. It is a work in progress and as I learn more, I will share that information freely. I understand that caregivers do not need one more task on their plates and researching resources can be overwhelming.
It Takes a Village
We often say it takes a village to raise a child. And it does. But it also takes a village to care for our older adults living with dementia—and for those who support them. If we want to do it well, we need to normalize asking for help, receiving help, and planning for help. We also want our person living with dementia to feel comfortable with the support that is coming in. Starting early, building relationships and trust, can ease those transitions.
Because the truth is, we won’t always be well. We won’t always be strong. And we shouldn’t have to be.
A Glimmer of Hope
One of my clients recently shared a story that gave me pause. He was terribly sick, and his wife—living with dementia—stepped into the caregiver role that at once point was very natural to her. With a little coaching from him in his pathetic state, she did a remarkable job helping him through his illness. It was beautiful – but should not be the expectation. Cognitive decline is unpredictable and expecting someone with dementia to rise the occasion or simply exist safely without us for a short time, isn’t a sustainable plan.
Build Your Village
Being sick this past week reminded me how fragile our caregiving systems can be. It reminded me that self-care isn’t selfish—it’s strategic. And it reminded me that building a support network isn’t a luxury—it’s a necessity.
So if you’re a caregiver, or you know someone who is, ask yourself: What’s the back-up plan? And if there isn’t one yet, maybe today is the day to start building that village. Could you offer to be part of someone’s back up plan? Caregivers – start thinking about what your plan might look like and remember – there are more people out there who would like to support you than you might think. Don’t be afraid to ask.
Senior Moments Consulting 